25 June 2008

Possibly the worst invention ever

I have always despised public restrooms. I didn't go to the bathroom outside my house (unless it was a friend I knew well or unless it was a dire emergency) until college. Then I decided that I would be unable to hold it for a semester until I could go home and use my parents' toilet. I am regular and like to stay hydrated - plus I didn't think that would have been humanly possible or healthy. I guess if I was really serious about it I could have invested in some industrial diapers like Lisa Nowak.

After I started using public restrooms, I insisted on using them as quickly as possible as well as on touching as little as possible.

I like when the facilities are kept up and when they are set up conveniently. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Especially on long road trips or in some public schools or in public parks and some museums.

One thing that is not convenient when I am squatting over a toilet seat is a toilet roll that is not functional. Some are set up to where only one half of one half of a square of toilet tissue is dispensed at a time. I guess this is good for keeping up my athletic build since I get a decent quad work out as I try and gather enough 2"x2" niblets of one-ply to make up a wipe worthy pile.

This is not the worst, though.

The worst bathroom invention; the thing that I cannot even begin to understand the purpose of; the thing that really just annoys the hell out of me and anyone I have heard in the stall next to me also trying to manipulate this devise as they try to move with the quickness to get out of the public stalls...

The toilet tissue dispenser that does not roll in a complete circle. You know what I am talking about? That piece of shit that does a half rotation and then stops so that you have to constantly be collecting the tissue in one hand and slide it through the gap in the back (careful not to let it touch the filthy wall/dispenser container) so that you can do another half rotation to gather some more tissue.

How incredibly annoying.

It takes about 5 minutes, then you decide that 6 sheets will just have to do, and you then begin to pray that they have some soap in the dispensers by the sink -- and not that watery shit. Real soap so that you will be germ free. And paper towel so that you won't have to touch the door handle after all the shit-birds who don't wash their hands or who decided the toilet paper was too much of a hassle and either didn't wipe or who used their hands to semi-wipe. Gross, I know. But it could happen.

So, while you are at that happy hour drinking your fancy (hopefully eco-friendly) vodka-filled drink and eating those peanuts/chips in the community bowl on the table -- think about where those hands have been. Or while you are at that political meet and greet supporting our local candidate for Missouri state rep., Don Calloway, check the bathrooms' toilet and soap dispensers before you start shaking hands, think about the restroom situation. Or while you are at that pick up game slapping fives or giving "terrorist" daps to your teammates, then using the same hand to wipe your brow, think.

Just stay clean people.

Visit DirtyButton.com for funny, interesting, and crazy pictures, videos, jokes and more.

And if you own an establishment -- please invest in usable toilet tissue dispensers.


  1. lol
    now thats funny
    and thanks for the love comment one day and tell me
    what is echo friendly vodka

  2. LMAO because I can feel your pain. Tissue dispensers are not user friendly these days.

    PS - Great choice of photo for this post. :-)

  3. Okay just found your blog and because I did a post on me and a bathroom stall battle I had to read this so so funny and true gosh you really nailed those frustrations of staying clean in a public domain good writing I am following now :} oh I LOVE that hand picture incredible.

    1. Public stalls always have some sort problem with them - I hate almost all of them!

      Thanks for stopping in, and I'm sorry about your puddle experience!


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