I thought I'd never catch my breath

Today, I almost cried.

Thrice.

For some reason, many people think teachers have it so easy.

Summers off are a blessing for teachers, right?  That there are no curriculum revisions, workshops in other cities, setting up classrooms, learning how to teach new classes, lesson planning, learning how to use the new technology given to us, etc.  Many think that we get paid regularly throughout the summer to just do nothing.

Today, I had to budget my last check of the school year (yes, it is a bit larger than my usual bi-monthly check, but far from magnificent in its amount).  In order to live responsibly throughout my non-teaching months, I try to pay forward all my bills so that I don't have to pay any again until my first check of the school year in mid-August.  (Just writing that I won't see any income for twelve weeks is really frightening.  Each summer it brings me dread.)

I have the money deposited in my bank and decided it would be best to send money orders or direct transfer from my account rather than checks or using a credit card.

The withdrawal to pay for my rent, my cell phone, my internet/cable, my electric, my gas, my bi-yearly car insurance (Why does insurance cost so much?? And why haven't I moved to a place where I don't need a car?), my AAA, my credit card balance, and my car payments for three months was so large that I almost cried when I wrote out the withdrawal amount on the slip in the bank.

I felt like I had these sort of stacks
for a brief moment.

I almost cried and had a panic attack when I went to the teller and told her in which denominations I wanted the money back.

I shoved the money into my front pocket so I could see and feel the large bulging money that barely fit into my tiny pocket.  So I could know that for that brief moment between the bank and the post office I felt like a really rich person who just carries stacks on stacks on stacks (man I hate that Soulja Boy song!) of money daily.

I thought I was going to be fine at the post office when I had the money orders made.  The lady was really nice.  We talked about my hair and how she wants to see what it looks like in certain styles I described to her.

It was friendly banter even as I was telling her the dollar amounts for each of the money orders I needed.

It was friendly banter even as she started printing the first money order.

Then she read the total amount of money I owed.  And then I passed her the massive stack from my bulging pocket.

What she gave me back in change was not even enough to buy a fast food value meal.

At that point I took a deep breath and let it out.  She said that she always feels really bad giving people change after they pay for large money orders.

At that point I almost cried.

This is all I have left on my dresser.
I wish I could turn the smile on
my eraser upside down for effect.

To hold the tears and feelings of angst in, I explained to her my situation.  She explained to me that she thought all teachers get paid throughout the summer - she has a friend who has it that way for his teaching job.  We talked about the differences in school districts.  We talked about what I teach and why I like it.  As she continued to print off my money orders, I continued to answer her questions so that I would not cry.

When we finished, like Lauryn said, "I compared myself to Tony Braxton, thought I'd never catch my breath."

I walked over to the post office table in the middle and started filling in money orders and addressing envelopes to be sent to businesses so that I can live the rest of the summer in peace.  Well, at least not worrying about whether I have money to pay my bills.

I do have money left that is not being moved over to my do-not-touch-savings.  I will, hopefully, not starve.  I just have to budget the rest of the summer and make sure that whatever I do with my money is worthwhile.

I guess I won't be going to any celebrations where I have to make it rain.  Unless they want it to hail when I throw up coins instead of dollars.

After all my logic and my theory I add a...

I am about to go buy some RPGs, some grenades, some bullet-proof coverings for my house windows and doors, and some serious private security guards.

Why?

Because Saint Louis is the 3rd most dangerous city in the world.

Don't laugh.

It is, according to Urbantitan.

We are further up the list than Mogadishu.  Higher than Caracas, higher than a city in Chechnya, and way higher than a city in Pakistan, where al-Qaeda kidnaps US reporters.

I know I shouldn't take this mess seriously, but come on now.

To compare any US city to the listed international cities and so many more cities where people really do fear for their lives daily is absurd.

I have never gone to sleep with ear plugs in due to the noise of the bombs; I have never had to sleep with night shades over my eyes so that the bright lights of the exploding bombs and missiles don't keep me awake.

I have never had to walk through shrapnel, crumbled buildings, streets filled with tanks, alleys full of soldiers reloading and resting up before the next evenings attacks.

I have never had to adjust where I walk so that I don't have to risk my small child seeing and walking over piles of dead bodies.

I have never had to see (in real life) the disfigured, dismembered bodies of my neighbors or co-workers.

I know that people try to bring this city down.  I know that there is still high unemployment here (especially among African American males).  I know that there is a good deal of crime at times in some parts of the city.

I know that there are people who move out of this city after getting tired of being asked where they went to high school for the one-millionth time.

These people are not considered refugees.

They are leaving on their own volition.

But as I always say - the data is not really that accurate.

Most lists that include StL as the most dangerous in the country (now world) do not count the city as most other areas of the country do.  StL county is not counted as part of StL.  Almost every other area of the nation includes the entire metropolitan area in their city counts.

Not to say that the county is crime free, but they don't have as many violent crimes.  They just have kidnappings, meth labs, cocaine parties, and a ton of other events in recent history that I won't list because some one is bound to think I am making light of the various situations, but please, do your research.

When you do count the city and the county together, the statistics for StL drop enormously.

I'm not going to argue that there are not a lot of crimes in the city, but it definitely does not compare to many other places.  If you watch local news here, there is a constant barrage of crime being shared (though I'm not sure if that is because there is a lot of it, or if it is because that is what local people expect to see on their news channels.  And if you really look at the local news (which I cannot stand, sorry Ms Huda), you could see that most of the crimes are taking place in the same spots of the city.

I am not going to hate on the author of the story for not looking at statistics appropriately.

But I am going to hate on the author for saying that "East St. Louis is the area of nearly 65% of the crime".

EAST ST. LOUIS IS NOT THE SAME CITY AS ST. LOUIS.  It's not even in the same state.  There is a huge (though sometimes not so high with all the drought) river that separates the two cities.  And if you want to get even more technical with it, not all of the area on the east side of the river is East StL.  There are other cities that people tend to lump together that are not actually part of EStL.  Perhaps that is causing that area to have a worse rap than it should.  If you include East Saint in the statistics, then you should include the whole metro area, fo' real.

All in all, the blog sucks.

And now that I think about it, this is what is to blame for some of the students I teach and young people I see around the area.

They think they are super hard as shit.

Why shouldn't they even though most of them have never been in a fight, never seen a gun, maybe been detained for MIP of weed, and never had to deal with any large amount of trauma, let alone having a bomb drop on your house in the middle of the night?

And why shouldn't they when each year they hear that their "city" is among the most dangerous in the country?  They all think of the city as the whole metropolitan area.  And they don't watch the news or have classes that teach about what is going on in the world, so I guess according to them (and the author of this blog) they do live in the third most dangerous area of the world.

These people are the reason that I often feel like Lauryn Hill.  Even after all my logic and my theory, I (often want to) add a mother-fucka so you ignant n----s hear me.  Remember. Take notes.

"Zealots".

Lauryn Hill is still amazing: Pageant concert review

I know there was incredible anticipation and questioning about how the Lauryn Hill show would turn out here in St.L at the Pageant, but as a good friend put it, "She can show up and be kind of horrible, and it would still sound and be great!"

Well, she definitely did more than just show up.

I got an email a few weeks back that pushed the door opening time back from 7 to 9.  That actually reassured me that she was going to come and that it wouldn't be too late like in some previous concerts.  There was still no official start time on the tickets, but I was feeling good.

The DJ that was on when we entered the Pageant was good.  Played a mix of mostly old-school jams that got the crowd hyped up.  Almost didn't seem like he was on the stage for the whole two hours that he was up there.  Close to 11 (the time the doorman said the show would start around), a second DJ came on stage (onto the actual stage) and started to hype the crowd up even more.  He played for another 52 minutes.  Around minute 40, the band came on.  Bassist even started playing along with the DJ - sounding super cool as he thrashed his locks around to the beat.

About the band, they kind of looked like they had been found by Ms Lauryn on Craigslist yesterday morning.  There was just no cohesive look about them.  One of the bassists kept trying to take pictures of the crowd with his cell phone.  One of the keyboardists looked like he would rather be about 100 different places than on the stage.  When the DJ said that Lauryn would be out soon after the crowd started chanting her name, two of the back up singers gave a look that basically looked like "We'll see if you still want her when she comes out."

From my phone, you can kind
of see the shrug-thing

Well. At 11:52, she came out and told everyone that she was going to "do old music new ways."  And with that the show started.

Set list:
"Forever Loving Jah" by Bob Marley
"Lost Ones"
"When it Hurts So Bad"
"Ex-Factor"
"Final Hour"
"How Many Mics"
"I Only Have Eyes for YOu"
"Fu-Gee-La"
"Killing Me Softly"

And two encore songs:
"Turn Your Lights Down Low"
"Doo Wop (That Thing)"

She changed a lot of the songs up, but I thought it was musically amazing.  She had the live band (Which played better than I expected - way better, though the level of their sound was really high and sometimes distorted.)

The way she played most of the songs was more upbeat and more rocked out.  Kind of a funk-rock fusion of some kind.  It was mesmerizing.  It was still possible to sing along to favorites once you caught on to the new beat and sound.

I'm sure that some fans were disgusted because they are so attached to the old songs (those songs have such strong meaning to me as well as so many other people).  I saw some people leaving and not coming back... not sure if it was their disdain for the music or the fact that it was getting late and they may have had to work on this MLK day.

I feel like a lot of the songs have a really strong meaning to Hill, as well, and that makes it hard to play them the same way she played them years ago without starting to (possibly) feel as vulnerable as she did when she first made them.

The new sound was amazing.  She even did "Ex-Factor" two different ways.  Really, really fast and rocked out, and then more slow and mellow.  Kind of weird, but it was ok.

She seemed really, really sincere and passionate.  She many times thanked the crowd for coming out and supporting her for all this time.

One thing that made the show even better was the genuine looks of enjoyment from her and the band at several points.  It was almost like they were shocked that things were going so well.  The bassist took his phone out a few more times to snap pictures of the crowd.  And the back up singers and one of the keyboardists looked like they were truly amazed by the show and sometimes amazed by Lauryn's singing and rapping and interactions with the crowd.  I even heard later that night that she had stuck around out back in her vehicle saying hey and greeting people.  Very much seemed like the Lauryn Hill that I believed was the most beautiful person on the planet back in her heyday.

She danced a-la James Brown at times, she sang in her trademark raspy voice (now a bit raspier with age), she rapped with such speed and fluidity that I was in awe.  And.  It.  Was.  Awesome.

Several times she got on the band (in jest?) to let them know that they need to "move the crowd."  She even told them once that they needed to not "waste this tune."

I cannot express the vibe of the crowd jumping in unison with the each other and the band during "Fu-Gee-La" as soon as the familiar beat and tones came out to let us know that was the next song.

So glad I got the tickets.  So glad to share that experience with friends, and strangers, and the band, and Lauryn.

Only complaint would be that she didn't take off the crazy shrug-thing that she had to keep annoyingly adjusting the whole night (like, every 20 seconds throughout the night).

I am pretty sure this may be the last time she goes on tour sounding so good.

I hope she makes some kind of recordings of the new versions of her songs.  I would buy that just like her early Fugees, the big Fugees, and her solo stock.