Not even a week after and I am way more at peace with all the BS. Leo and others have been trying to get me to understand how little those people cared about me for a really long time. As Michelle once told me, working there is like being in an abusive relationship. You don't realize how bad it is, that it's not supposed to be that way, that it can be better, etc. But now that I'm out and more removed, I have seen a little more of the bad than I had been seeing before.
Explain to me how I can resign on Wednesday and they can have a replacement hired the same day. How I can go to ask if I can continue working with the track team I have developed over the past five years and they have a replacement -- not one of my assistant coaches, the position wasn't even offered to any of them. That should come as a blow to them and let them know how much they are cared for.
I guess there were rumors of me leaving. But nothing was certain. As of Monday this week, I was still coming back in the fall. As of Tuesday morning, the same thing. What really irks me is that if they thought I was leaving, they did nothing to inquire about it to me, they did nothing to ask why I might be making such a decision, they did nothing to find out what they could do to ensure that I would not leave. I guess they just did not care. Or they wanted me out. Now they have a (fairly) newbie in my place. I wish him well. I hope they don't treat him like shit. I hope that he does not get burned out like most of the other faculty, because if he doesn't, I feel like he could make an impact.
Unfortunately, my views on the track team are mixed. I love those kids to death and want them to do well. But a small part of me wants that not to happen without me. Wants this new guy to falter a bit. Is it possible for the kids to do well but for him to fail? I'm not sure.
What's done is done. I am moving on. I think I already have a job secured. I will find out on Tuesday or Wednesday. I am going to get the rest of my shit out of that school and then be up.
On another note, well some what tied to that school, I got a new computer. Have to turn in the school's tomorrow. I got an awesome deal from the guy. He really hooked me up even beyond the educator's discount. Then a friend from grad school who works as a teacher during the year also hooked me up at the store by transferring all my shit (ALL my shit) from the school computer over to my new one. Sweet. Seriously. I suppose my second to last hit at the school. Last one will be when they don't see my curriculum still there. I wrote that shit. I take that shit with me. Sorry new guy, no offense to you, just what I have to do. I had to do it, now you do, too. Plus I will have to teach it all again at some point, so why should I start fresh then when I have already made it all.
I really feel great -- free, happy. The potential district is one that everyone seems to love working at. And it starts sooner in the morning and gets out earlier. I will basically be able to have a life. And be able to do shit after the last bell rings, because that will only be 2:16. So many more hours added to my day. And the athletic facilities are nice. Since I cannot coach at my old digs, I will coach there. I will rebuild the program just as I did before.
With that all out, I hope to never have to speak with anger of the bullshit that was my life in that place. I hope that I can speak of it calmly and as though it was another part of my life. It already seems distant, like it was some type of nightmare that I am finally awakening from. I hope to be cared for by my future employers, I hope that if not, I will recognize it sooner and not be afraid to leave if the circumstances for me or my fellow colleagues start to turn to shit.
I consider it all a huge learning experience. One that I hope all my former colleagues are learning. And I hope that the ones still in that abusive relationship survive in tact. And that they can get out of it before it ruins their spirits more than it already has.
I am thankful for all the people there who kept me sane, I am thankful for all the people close to me who helped me make good choices while there and while trying to not be there, I am thankful to all the people who have listened to me vent, blabber, and make choices about it all for the past year and especially this past week.
I have been re-made whole.
I heart you. Hope you had fun last night. Don't be a mofo stranger.ReplyDelete