I've become a (slightly) terrified teacher

When I saw Tim Gunn the other night, one of the things he talked about was how he was offered a really great job with a company after he had started Project Runway and after he had already been on the administrative board with Parsons.

He told the man offering him the job that he couldn't take it because he was too busy with the show and with the release of his first book.  The man offering him the job said that he could keep the job open for him for after the show ends and after he is settled down a bit.

At that point, Gunn had to admit to the man that the real reason he could not take the job was because he was absolutely terrified of taking on the role.

The man told him that he would not be offering him the job if he was not going to be terrified.

Gunn went on to talk about how he is still slightly terrified at his jobs and when he does various things in his life.

If you had asked me a couple years ago - really, even last year - if there were moments when I teach that I am terrified, I would say, "Hell, no!"

My classroom.
I finally have windows (4 big ones)
and they are bigger than 8" wide!!

But when he talked about this, I realized that there have been moments this school year when I have been standing in the hall during passing time and been a bit nervous about the coming class, about what I was going to be doing and if it would work.

I have never experienced this.

As I sat smiling as I listened to the great words of Tim Gunn (he said he was "ebullient"- how cool is his vocabulary?!), I mulled over why I am nervous this year of my teaching.

It is partly because I am teaching in a new state, partly because I am teaching in a school unlike any I have been in, partly because I am teaching the first group in the school that will take a state exam in social studies, and mostly because I am really challenging myself because of these things.

I have never spent so much time prepping for classes - even in my first year of teaching.  I have never felt like I really understood and could make the students understand what they are doing and why.

I have always been able to help students understand content - even had many each year tell me that my class is the first time they have passed social studies/history.  But this is different.

All this, and still make sure the delivery of content is interesting and not just me talking at the students.  I am really trying to make sure that everything is purposeful and that everything is working toward the mastery of standards and content.  

And that is a bit terrifying.  

After almost a decade of teaching, it is ok for me to be a little nervous about my lessons and for me to work really hard on lessons. 

I am still getting better.